Where things stand

Life post-dissertation has been interesting to say the least. I'm not using the word "interesting" as a code word for "bad." I do find things fascinating these days. 

I'm ready to move on from my current position, that's for certain. I do enjoy the work itself, but I'm ready either to do this sort of work in a different venue or PERHAPS make a major switch. I'm not really leaning toward the major-switch thing, I must admit. The thought of starting over in my early 40s isn't something I would choose to do at this point in my career/life. I think I am looking for an opportunity in which the venue where I work is more Important. The current venue, as is, isn't really cutting it for me. 

In the past couple of years I have applied for three jobs and been a finalist for two. The third was a big stretch for me into a different area, and I wasn't really expecting to progress very far, so that was no surprise. One of the jobs for which I was a finalist is similar to what I'm doing now, and the other would have been quite different. Neither ended up panning out, and for various reasons that's been OK. Both would have been major increases in pay, and not getting those has been UNGOOD. I hate to be focused on money, but it seems odd still to be struggling financially after having all this education and experience. Right? Tell me I'm right, please! 

Anyway, the funny thing is that the longer I stay in this job, the more opportunities seem to be opening up that I can do on the side that really interest me. First, teaching: I have been teaching one course per year in the higher ed program at LMUU for the past four years or so, and they have "promoted" me to official adjunct assistant professor status. I don't think it means much other than an acknowledgement that they will re-hire me as long as I'm available and as long as their situation with professors doesn't change. That's pretty cool. I'm picking up a second course this fall. Both classes are required classes for the master's program, so that's a really neat experience. 

I also picked up a faculty fellowship for the academic year to do a qualitative data analysis project with some really great colleagues. I'm excited for this opportunity. Could lead to something else here or there, like an article or perhaps another position with these folks. Ya never know. 

So yes, this fall I will have two additional jobs aside from my full-time one. They will help pay the bills, but more important the experiences should be quite rich. Funny how sometimes staying where you are brings about other opportunities on the side, at times. 

And maybe these are just clues of where my career will lead next...

Blog Purpose?

I have lost my penchant for keeping up this public diary. In some ways I miss it since it's really the only writing outlet I have now (at least, the only outlet where I have complete control over the content). In other ways I don't really give a rat's ass. My life isn't that exciting, honestly.

Anyway, if I do get back into keeping up with this blog, what will the purpose be? For five years it was about my dissertation. Since then, two years later and it's just been hit or miss. It's been more about my "thrilling" life than anything else. I guess that's alright. Boring, though.

At one point I thought this was going to be a way to chronicle home renovations on our mid-Century traditional house that we bought from the 1965 original owners. However, renovations have been few and far between lately...at least the ones anyone will ever see. I mean, we have a new furnace! We had to get a new basement floor put in after the furnace installers messed up the old floor. Stuff like that. Big friggin deal. The bigger stuff requires extra cash or actual skill on doing things oneself. I have neither. The avocado-green kitchen floor remains in its 1974 grooviness (it's one of the few non-original things in this house). And my life keeps on being pretty boring.

So, I dunno if I'll continue this blog. Maybe I'll shut it down, though it'd be a shame to lose almost eight years of a chronicle of my (boring) life. Maybe I'll be inspired by a whole new theme. Isn't this nice? Or perhaps I'll be inspired to add new content by the coming of the new year.

And maybe not.

Education

I started this post last week but haven't had the energy to finish it till now.

From Thursday 11/1/2012:
If you heard a large SPLAT today, it was likely the sound of my heart breaking once again for our child. Nine years ago we started a 529 savings account specifically for his college education. We figured it was the smart thing to do at the time, and we were fortunate to have a gift from my grandmother to start off a nice account for him. We find ourselves several years later coming to terms with the fact that we have no need to save for his college education. He's not going. Ever. It's done. Over.

Here are a few data points to demonstrate that I am not selling my son short with the words in the preceding paragraph: He is 11 years old. He does not have the knowledge, skill or ability to pass kindergarten this year. He had three years of preschool that ended in 2007. He had a half-year of a self-contained kindergarten where he was the most compliant, quiet kid in the class and yet learned absolutely nothing. That was five years ago. 

Since then, thanks to intensive ABA therapy, he has made a great deal of progress toward gaining independence, but none of these newer skills relate to any scholastic goals beyond age 3. He can feed himself, bring his plate to the sink, brush his teeth, go to the bathroom independently (about 92% of the time), and can respond to simple yes/no questions. He understands most of what we say, and fortunately he's just about the kindest, most honest, most patient person you'll ever meet. We're thankful for the therapy; almost lost that in a medical review by our insurance company, but fortunately they granted us the funding for another six months. Better soak up that therapy real well there, Buddy, at least till next April. No worries, we'll just cash out the 529 and use that money to pay for a few more months worth of therapy...

Suffice it to say formal education is just one more dream we're simply needing to delete from our minds. Easier said than done. I have a Ph.D. in college, for God's sake, and my own kid won't complete high school. It's a very different view of the world, for certain. 

Office/Prison/Life Cleaning

Oh, hello there blog.

Lately I've been diving into a thorough cleaning of the office/prison. This time I'm serious. I've really not been organized in this space in about 7-8 years. Funny thing is that I've only lived in this house for five. Yes, I literally packed a few boxes of unfiled/unpurged CRAP and moved it here to this house, and they have sat in the large closet this small bedroom is fortunate to have ever since. And, since then more unfiled/unpurged crap has accumulated in the room itself. I don't bother cleaning it because I'd have to clean it up in order for it to be cleaned. If you don't understand that last sentence, then you are probably a cleaner/neater person than I.

What's funny is that my brain prefers things to be organized. For some reason, however, I'm perfectly fine living among crap. Until now. Now I'm serious.

I've found all sorts of things, including bills going back five years (in the "shred me" box now) and even other things going back further ... I'm cleaning out old files in file cabinets so the crap I actually need to keep now can have a place to be filed. It's a vicious cycle...not filing because my file cabinets are too full. Sort of embarrassing, actually. So why the hell am I sharing this up here?

I suppose I'm starting to clean up my life just a bit as well. Work has become a pretty big burden more than something I enjoy, unfortunately. It's probably going to be time to make a change pretty soon. It's been five years, after all, and I never made a change when I finished the Ph.D. Something about that bugs me. A lot. So I plan for a change to happen in the next year. Not sure what or where, but something's gotta change. I'm even meeting with a career counselor next week to help with the whole thing. Should be a good move...far better move than just sitting on my ass in my unfiled crap.

Restarting

Today I find myself securely at the beginning of my middle age. I'm learning how to deal with back pain, I really need to get into better physical shape, and mentally I am very secure in the fact that I'm not young anymore. I am thankful for my age and the wisdom it brings. I have no interest in going back in time. I do want to start using what time I have left in a more intentional, positive manner. Many, many days go by and I feel I've let it just waste away with little or no contribution to the world around me. Once in a while being a low contributor is alright, but it's becoming more of a habit than I would like.

Lately I've spent a great deal of time whining and complaining about my lot in life on a couple of levels. While I've been in my job about five years, the last two of them have been transitional in nature. I don't usually mind change, but change is supposed to be temporary. Two years of transition time is ENOUGH, and it's time for that crap to end.

Home life has been great, but unfortunately I've allowed some of the transitional crap at work to bleed through toward home. For example right now I'm skipping church this morning to get work done for an institute I'm helping to run later this week. It needs to happen, and Wife has been more than supportive. I do need to find that balance I have had in the past, and I have not really been able to find it since finishing the doctorate like I had hoped.

I mention the past because in a past part of our lives, Wife and I had a very balanced life together. We had good jobs, we felt financially secure, Chester was just a puppy and could hear us! Life was good. We recently took a vacation where we visited the place we started our marriage. It's also the place Chester came to us and where Moose was born. It was sort of a renewing experience for us. Neither want to go back to being in our 20s or early 30s, but I do miss some of the perspective we had on how our careers blended into our lives. We both felt more respected by our peers and friends. The time felt more carefree. Less pressure. Less depressing. 

So I'm in the doldrums, so to speak. I guess the best way out of this mess is through it. I think I need to redefine what "balance" is at middle age with a larger job, a larger budget, a larger family, a larger life. Maybe I need to work harder to achieve this balance now that my life is larger. Not sure.

Guess my time alone this Sunday on the porch is a sort of church service for me. Time alone to think about one's life can be a religious experience of sorts, I suppose.

Chester is a Teenager

I hardly post here anymore, and I have a feeling very few actually read this. However I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge that Chester's 13th birthday was this past Wednesday.

He's such a good boy. In spite of slowing down a bit with playing fetch and pretty much losing his hearing, he's still a strong, healthy puppy. This is a photo of us on the day we brought him to our home in 1999 when he was just three months old.

Happy Birthday, Chester! May we have many more years together.

Phootball

So, what's all this hype about these two northeastern teams playing each other tonight IN THE MIDWEST?

I'm baaaaaaaaack

A good way to determine whether or not you really enjoy something is to stop doing it for a while and see if you miss it. I miss writing out my random thoughts, so here I am once again.

I have no idea if anyone is still actually reading this blog. Not sure I care, actually. The motivation for me to write is really self-driven; it's a good way for me to get thoughts out of my head and out in the open. I don't write for the pleasure of others. I write for my own mental exploration and growth.

If you do happen to be reading this, though, I certainly would welcome your comments and dialogue. If this were really private and personal, then I wouldn't post it online.

The Cost of Wisdom

I recently received my first paycheck after my 40th birthday. I am thankful a) to have a full-time job and b) to have little perks like supplemental life insurance and long-term disability coverage, each for which I pay a nominal monthly fee.

What surprised me was that my monthly rates for these things both increased by $5 and $12 respectively in this last paycheck. When I checked LMUU's human resources website for any changes to the coverage starting May 1, I soon realized that the only change to my coverage was my advancement to age 40 in the middle of said month. It is now officially more expensive to insure me.

Wisdom comes with a price, I guess.

Dissertation Compression

I am applying for a Dissertation of the Year award through a professional association of which I am a member. It was DC's idea, which in itself was pretty flattering.

It's due June 1, and DC technically needs to submit it on my behalf. That means I need to get it to her this week. "It" is a 15-page abstract of my over-200-page dissertation. Yes folks, that means that over 185 pages of my dissertation was just a bunch of hogwash. It will only take 15 to apply for a prestigious award I probably won't win. Isn't that funny?

I'm not in the least bit stressed about it. OK, let me rephrase that. I'm not in the least bit stressed about whether or not I win the award (I'm just a tad bit stressed about getting the application done on time). If I do, it will be a wonderful, and completely unexpected occurrence. If I don't, no big whoop. I will come out of this process with a condensed version of the dissertation out of which I can hopefully spin off a couple of articles or at least a decent conference presentation. I'll spend the next few days working on it, but no more, and out of it should come something usable.

I'm glad to be back into that academic side of my brain again. This semester at work has pretty much kicked my ass, but it's not been academic ass. It's been administrative ass. Administrative ass is not nearly as fun.

OK, back to getting my academic ass in gear.

Full Moon on my 40th B-day

I am not into astrology, but I did just flip over my wall calendar to the new month and realized that there will be a full moon on my 40th birthday. Is there any significance to this?

A few years ago, Wife and I attended a conference on autism disorder. It was not long after Moose's diagnosis. We were in a session on biomedical interventions, some of which seemed spot-on and some of which seemed a bit mystical. While I do think there are other forces "out there" that influence our lives, our bodies, and the rest of the world, I don't tend to believe in those forces to the extent that I let them guide our lives. I guess it's a balance. Anyhow, back to my point: this was a session run by three nurse practitioners who seemed very well-versed in handling a wide variety of autism symptoms and behaviors. It was a good session, and they clearly knew their stuff. However, toward the end of the session one of the presenters threw in a curve ball when discussing a certain symptom by saying something like, "...but of course all of this can change when there's something else going on, like when there's a full moon." I started laughing, thinking it was a good joke. I think I was the only one laughing in this very full meeting room. So I asked, "Can you please describe the significance of the full moon in this conversation?" All heads turned my way and started talking at once about just how many things go haywire for autistic kiddos when there's a full moon...as if I should have known this. Wow, sorry I asked!

Otherwise, I think it's pretty swell to have a 40th birthday on a full moon. We shall see.

Overwhelmed, so staying in the present

I appear to have missed the entire month of March. And now we're almost all the way done with April. Guess my dissertation must be finished? Oh yeah. :-)

However, it's not quite finished...I mean, the research behind it isn't finished, and I do want to get my brain back into the piece again so that I can spin off an article or two. That would be pretty cool.

But the notion of carving out a bit of writing time during the work week has been put on hold since that last post. Work has really taken off during a time of transition between leaders. It's not a bad thing, but I won't say it's all that great either. I don't think I've ever been stretched more thinly in this job in the last almost-four years. I may have lost a bit of my edge in the process...for example I have a ton of e-mail to get through today. A ton. I should probably just delete everything and then send a note out to everyone I work with asking them to get in line and ask me for my assistance one at a time. Hahahaha. I'll keep dreaming about that type of organization.

I'm thankful to have a job, and also to have a career. Those two things have not necessarily been in sync for me in the past. I have been trying to determine my future career moves now that I'm finished with the doctorate, but I think that process has proven fruitless and useless. I'm not a mind reader; I cannot predict the future. No use in spinning my wheels on it anymore. Guess I should just focus on the present for a while. That's not an easy thing for this big-picture thinker, but it'll probably keep me sane the next few months during this work transition.

Email time. Wow. Lots and lots of email.

I miss writing

I guess it's no surprise to me that I miss having an excuse to write. After all, when spending a long while as a student, and when successfully completing Mission Dissertation, there was a whole lot of satisfaction out of the writing process. As I recall from the few years after I finished my master's degree where I hardly did any decent writing at all, I grew to miss that side of my brain. So at this point when I've not yet lost it (at least I don't think I've lost it just yet!), I probably should do something to continue onward with my writing.

In my present job as a researcher, I'm required to conduct small studies and write up the results, but honestly the writing is minimal and hardly read by anyone. In fact, I am in a position working with busy administrators that if my writing is too verbose or too, um, "good", then I risk that my colleagues won't even read the work I've done. They need results of research mined down to very small, easy-to-digest, bites so they can make decisions. I'm happy to provide them with this, but honestly it doesn't do much for me as a writer or a scholar.

Finally, the only way for a researcher really to gain credit for the work she or he does is to share up formally-written results and get them published. The only problem is that in my present job there isn't a whole lot of room in my schedule to close my door and do some good solid writing without some sort of interruption. Since I am not a faculty member, I'm technically not supposed to go away to a coffee shop and work on my own during the day. That would be nice and all, but it's not really been an option.

So I'm going to try and carve out small bits of time during the work week, perhaps Friday mornings, to be better about writing formal summaries of research I've conducted for my administrative colleagues and see if I can get things published. It won't be an easy balance, but then again neither was the balance of working full-time and completing a dissertation on the side. We'll see how this goes. Earlier I mentioned I may explore a faculty position, but as things seem to be falling out right now, I think I'll continue to cultivate my career for another year or so doing what I do as an administrative researcher. I will teach a class or two on the side, and I'll try to write and publish what I can. The nice thing is, if I don't get something written or published then it really only affects my sanity and not my actual job. That's probably going to be a better fit for the way I see my future career merging with my very busy home life.

Who knows, perhaps I'll keep exercising my writing chops a bit more by writing more in this blog?

Diploma

My diploma arrived last week! So today I bought a fancy frame, and I have to admit that I can't stop looking at it. I crack me up.

But it's ironic that the external symbol of the completed degree and "commencement" arrived last week because I also had a few serious discussions with others about the future of my career. While I like the job I have currently, I've always known it won't be the job in which I retire. This clearly brings up the question: "NOW WHAT?" I envisioned staying here about five years and then moving to a different administrative position in higher education. However, at this point that feels like a waste of my research skills. While it took me a long while to finish the degree since it was rarely my top priority, I did enjoy the work a great deal. I think I'm a decent writer, too, and I do enjoy living in Theory World for good amounts of time. Fortunately given the administrative career I've had and the theoretical dissertation I wrote, I am starting to build a couple of different research agendas that could allow me to balance a faculty career in between Theory World and Reality World, and I think I might like that balance. If I could build that into a faculty career, well that could be a decent future career.

There's a bit of a risk with the process of earning tenure. And, if that doesn't happen, then there I'll be in my mid-40s without a job. That's kept me from seriously considering this route in the past. But then again, several years ago the thought of writing a dissertation was daunting enough that I suppressed the thought of getting a Ph.D., and here I am. So what's so say pursuing the faculty route would be a bad risk to take? After all, most times we take well-informed risks, it leads to something pretty swell.

We'll see. For now I'm still pondering the possibilities, and I'm fortunate that Wife is encouraging me to continue the thought process as well.

Office Abyss

Since 2005 I have written in this blog about my need to clean my home office. This was true in both the old house and the current one. In both cases it's never been dirty. It's simply cluttered. On the surface it doesn't look too bad. I know how to shove a pile into a spot that's not very obvious to the viewer.

While this current office is the smallest of the four bedrooms in Chesterley, it actually has a large closet. This is BAD. Each time I have a visitor staying overnight in this room, I shove piles of paper into said closet. There's plenty of room left.

So I'm just shoving more stuff in there tonight in preparation for Christmas visits from relatives and needing to flip this office into a temporary bedroom. I should go through it all, but I'm not sure I will. And next Christmas the same thing will happen...Am I turning into a hoarder?

Seriously, I do plan to tackle The Office this winter. There is basically a whole bunch of stuff that can simply be shoved in the recycle bin. It's funny to find drafts and drafts of my dissertation, all of which I will either recycle or BURN.

Overwhelmingly Good

My Doctor of Philosophy degree was officially conferred today. That didn't bring about any great changes to my day or anything. I've neither grown an inch taller nor have I gained back any of my hair. In fact, even my knowledge of this day was based solely on my communication with the Doctoral Recorder as quoted in my previous post. It shouldn't be a big deal.

For fun, I went into the student system to double-check the status, and sure enough it's noted there on my transcript:

DEGREE AWARDED
Large Midwest University Degree
Large Midwest University, Small College Town
University Graduate School
Doctor of Philosophy
Major: Higher Education
Minor: Instructional Systems Technology
Minor: Educational Psychology
11-30-2010

And then it hit me. Bam! Imagine standing in front of a high-powered fan trying to inhale at an even rate of speed, only to be overwhelmed by the extremely-quick flow of air being shoved into your lungs. That's sort of how I feel right now. Or, perhaps I simply have pneumonia? Either way, that's pretty swell to see it in writing, in the transcript. Wow.

Alright. Back to work.

Final Confirmation

It's been a funny week or so. After submitting the document online on Saturday the 13th, I needed to get the paperwork signed by my chair. We had a great exchange: She said she's giving me till January, and then we're going to discuss how to get this study published. I don't think I could ask for a better compliment than that. We both agreed that this is more of a beginning of a research career than an end to graduate school. That's sort of neat, though holy SHIT I'm glad the graduate school part is ending!

Then I delivered the signed paperwork to The Graduate School in person, that same day. In the past, there would have been a grumpy person sitting in that office with a ruler in hand to make sure all of my margins lined up appropriately. Since I submitted it online, I thought I circumvented that process. Au contraire mon frere! I received an e-mail from The Graduate School the following day indicating I needed to do things like: "1) remove the word 'Dedication' from your dedication page [seriously?], 2) remove the word "Abstract" from the abstract page [what the FUCK?], and 3) the margins of your CV [attached to the end of the dissertation] are too small...please readjust." THOSE were the barriers between me and finishing? Um...OK. Whatever.

It took me just a few minutes to make the changes and resubmit. Then I gently prodded The Main Office of my Department to ensure the details of my transcript were in line (we receive temporary grades for "dissertation research" credits till the dissertation is done, and those need to be cleared out before our degree is conferred). That was completed last Friday.

So today I finally received the following note from The Graduate School:

Dear Robert of Chesterley,

All requirements are now completed for the awarding of your Ph.D. degree. Your official graduation date is November 30, 2010.

The Office of the Registrar will mail your diploma to your Student Home Address approximately three months after your official graduation date. Please verify that this address in [The Student System] current and correct for the mailing of your diploma. If your Student Home Address is incorrect, please contact the Registrar's Office.

Also, please check your Primary Name in [The Student System] for your diploma. If your name is incorrect, please contact the Registrar's Office.

I will submit the final approved version of your dissertation to ProQuest/UMI for publishing after your official graduation date.

Congratulations on this wonderful accomplishment!

Best Regards,

"Jane Q. Smith"
Doctoral Recorder
University Graduate School
Large Midwestern University

So, I guess that's it. It's all done. The curtain is down. The orchestra cadenced. There's nothing more to do but be a doctor from here onward.

I am of two minds. I'm so glad this crap is finally finished. Holy smokes. At the same time, this journey has been one of the best things for my career. Even after having a shitty day at work, I still come out of the experience actually liking my job. If it weren't for the doctorate I would not have joined this research field. So I'm thankful for that experience. And I'm also thankful this journey has finally ended.

Yay.

Study #07- 11947 Complete

I heard back from DC yesterday. She had a few minor changes for me to make. And then she wrote:

I think once you make these changes it is ready to go. I don't need to see it again.

After saying out loud, "Are you fucking kidding me?", after the hooping and hollering at my on-campus desk stopped, and after getting dinner and a drink with a friend (planned weeks before), I finished the edits late last night. Today I did the final formatting edits and conversion into a PDF....

Just minutes ago I deposited the completed dissertation via the online system we use at LMU. It's DONE!!!

Time to head out for dinner and a movie with Wife. Life is back to normal again for the first time in over 8 years.

What a great day.

Back in DC's Court

Boing! I served the ball back over to my chair. I got through the dissertation revisions over the weekend. Am pretty excited about this. I sent it back to her overnight on Sunday, and I received a response yesterday saying she's away for a couple of days but will get to it when she returns. It's all in her court now. Hopefully she'll respond in a timely manner and we can get TFD turned into The Graduate School forever! My goal is this month, but if that's not going to happen then so be it. December 2010 will be just as fine...as long as the year is 2010. My goal all along was the walk in graduation during the same year I submitted the dissertation!!!

I've been reading up on all the little procedures I'll need to do before turning it in. It's fascinating. It's almost like one needs an additional doctorate in certain technology in order to get the submission correct, and to follow all of the rules. One of the directions actually says, "Don't forget to embed your fonts." Excuse me? Isn't that a bit personal? Hahahahaha. I crack up myself. Fortunately the powers that be go on to explain what the hell that means in the directions. It's all good.

So, I wait. But I relax, probably for the first time in about 8 1/2 years.

Reflections

The dissertation defense was a deeper experience for me than I anticipated it would be. I have been so focused on finishing the paper while balancing other aspects of life that I think I’ve lost a bit of myself along the way. Or, at least I’ve lost a bit of my ability to feel. Here I stand at the end of the journey as I complete these final ten revisions (did I mention there are ten?), and I find myself trying to pick up various pieces of my brain that I may have dropped behind me by mistake, much like one would drop breadcrumbs in a forest in order to find one’s way home.

The funny thing is that tonight I find myself remembering the end of high school. I didn’t know it when I was there, but that was one of the times in my life when I felt powerful. I was a badass pianist. I honestly don’t know if I was ever a better pianist than senior year of high school. I got into college on my piano skills and, I guess, the fact that I could write my way out of a box. I was at the top of my game as a pianist, I was in decent physical shape, I had a full head of hair... things were going well.

I went to college and the comparison bug started. I was constantly comparing myself with others and immediately making bad judgments against myself. Not sure where that came from. Instead of the constant comparison being a motivating force to compete and perform better, it got to be pretty damaging. And I lost myself in the process. I couldn’t be good enough to satisfy me. There were times I didn’t even try. I had to spend a long while picking up the pieces after college. Don’t get me wrong: I was a decent musician upon graduation, but what was I doing with music then? Could I really identify as a musician? Not really. And I never ended up working in music full-time afterward, so it was easy to feel a bit lost after having gained admission to college as a musician, for crying out loud.

Then I started my master’s degree. It wasn’t as bad. I was finding myself in a new career, and in general I liked it. It took me a few years to pick up the pieces again, but I was able to do alright. And ultimately I had picked them up enough to hold a good job, do well, marry the Wife, have a kid, and start the doctorate appropriately. Life was pretty good.

So, at least I’ve been through the piece-picking-up process a few times in the past, and I’ve been successful with it. In fact, I think the process has already started. Colors appear brighter. Music sounds clearer. In general I feel more powerful. I’m more centered. I feel more capable. And apparently, people are interested in what I think. That’s pretty neat. Maybe I have badass thoughts? The good kind of badass, though, not the “I’m a bad person,” badass.

Finally. Self-confidence is a good thing. And it’s been on holiday a long, long time.