Restarting

Today I find myself securely at the beginning of my middle age. I'm learning how to deal with back pain, I really need to get into better physical shape, and mentally I am very secure in the fact that I'm not young anymore. I am thankful for my age and the wisdom it brings. I have no interest in going back in time. I do want to start using what time I have left in a more intentional, positive manner. Many, many days go by and I feel I've let it just waste away with little or no contribution to the world around me. Once in a while being a low contributor is alright, but it's becoming more of a habit than I would like.

Lately I've spent a great deal of time whining and complaining about my lot in life on a couple of levels. While I've been in my job about five years, the last two of them have been transitional in nature. I don't usually mind change, but change is supposed to be temporary. Two years of transition time is ENOUGH, and it's time for that crap to end.

Home life has been great, but unfortunately I've allowed some of the transitional crap at work to bleed through toward home. For example right now I'm skipping church this morning to get work done for an institute I'm helping to run later this week. It needs to happen, and Wife has been more than supportive. I do need to find that balance I have had in the past, and I have not really been able to find it since finishing the doctorate like I had hoped.

I mention the past because in a past part of our lives, Wife and I had a very balanced life together. We had good jobs, we felt financially secure, Chester was just a puppy and could hear us! Life was good. We recently took a vacation where we visited the place we started our marriage. It's also the place Chester came to us and where Moose was born. It was sort of a renewing experience for us. Neither want to go back to being in our 20s or early 30s, but I do miss some of the perspective we had on how our careers blended into our lives. We both felt more respected by our peers and friends. The time felt more carefree. Less pressure. Less depressing. 

So I'm in the doldrums, so to speak. I guess the best way out of this mess is through it. I think I need to redefine what "balance" is at middle age with a larger job, a larger budget, a larger family, a larger life. Maybe I need to work harder to achieve this balance now that my life is larger. Not sure.

Guess my time alone this Sunday on the porch is a sort of church service for me. Time alone to think about one's life can be a religious experience of sorts, I suppose.