Overwhelmed, so staying in the present

I appear to have missed the entire month of March. And now we're almost all the way done with April. Guess my dissertation must be finished? Oh yeah. :-)

However, it's not quite finished...I mean, the research behind it isn't finished, and I do want to get my brain back into the piece again so that I can spin off an article or two. That would be pretty cool.

But the notion of carving out a bit of writing time during the work week has been put on hold since that last post. Work has really taken off during a time of transition between leaders. It's not a bad thing, but I won't say it's all that great either. I don't think I've ever been stretched more thinly in this job in the last almost-four years. I may have lost a bit of my edge in the process...for example I have a ton of e-mail to get through today. A ton. I should probably just delete everything and then send a note out to everyone I work with asking them to get in line and ask me for my assistance one at a time. Hahahaha. I'll keep dreaming about that type of organization.

I'm thankful to have a job, and also to have a career. Those two things have not necessarily been in sync for me in the past. I have been trying to determine my future career moves now that I'm finished with the doctorate, but I think that process has proven fruitless and useless. I'm not a mind reader; I cannot predict the future. No use in spinning my wheels on it anymore. Guess I should just focus on the present for a while. That's not an easy thing for this big-picture thinker, but it'll probably keep me sane the next few months during this work transition.

Email time. Wow. Lots and lots of email.

Back in DC's Court

Boing! I served the ball back over to my chair. I got through the dissertation revisions over the weekend. Am pretty excited about this. I sent it back to her overnight on Sunday, and I received a response yesterday saying she's away for a couple of days but will get to it when she returns. It's all in her court now. Hopefully she'll respond in a timely manner and we can get TFD turned into The Graduate School forever! My goal is this month, but if that's not going to happen then so be it. December 2010 will be just as fine...as long as the year is 2010. My goal all along was the walk in graduation during the same year I submitted the dissertation!!!

I've been reading up on all the little procedures I'll need to do before turning it in. It's fascinating. It's almost like one needs an additional doctorate in certain technology in order to get the submission correct, and to follow all of the rules. One of the directions actually says, "Don't forget to embed your fonts." Excuse me? Isn't that a bit personal? Hahahahaha. I crack up myself. Fortunately the powers that be go on to explain what the hell that means in the directions. It's all good.

So, I wait. But I relax, probably for the first time in about 8 1/2 years.

Defense Preparation

Eight years of work is coming down to a 90-minute meeting with my committee? Anyone out there care to share ideas for how I should prepare for the dissertation defense next Wednesday? Perhaps a good combination of alcohol and prayer could work...

One more week

One week from today I'll be pulling out my hair and biting off my nails as I prepare for my defense. At this point, I can't wait to get it done. Am not really dreading the experience...I'm dreading the anticipation of the experience. I hope the week just flies by...

Writing and Playing

Earlier this afternoon, I played through one of the Bach two-part inventions on the piano. I used a technique for learning new music that I've used since I was about five years old: First play through the right hand part, then play the left-hand part, finally play both hands together, slowly. That first time playing both hands together takes some courage. One must be strong and work through the nerves, and then focus so that one's hands operate independently of each other yet still stay in sync with the music on the page.

It occurred to me there are many similarities between playing Bach and writing. For me, the prep work one must do before writing is very much like playing the parts one hand at a time. During the act of actually writing the first page or two, I get a little nervous about it, much like trying to play the invention with both hands at the same time. Usually when I work through the first couple of paragraphs, the rest falls into place, save for a few potholes along the way that I know will take some extra work to get into my fingers. I'll get to that someday. This is similar to that last sentence at the end of that section that you know really sucks, and someday I may be inspired to find better words to fill in the gap.

The main accomplishment from my self-banishment last week was to get through the first couple of pages or so. But there are those nerves, wondering if what I've done is on the right track. Before I did too much more today, I e-mailed back and forth with DC to ask her about a couple of questions that I've had to check and see if I'm on the right track with this last chapter. As it turns out, I am indeed correct. Onward, then. I guess I just need to keep practicing with both hands.

Next Dilemma - to include, or not to include?

Wife just said it all: she does have a way of expressing my own thoughts, much of the time.

Anticipatory Revisions

I like my new blog design so much that it makes me want to write up here more frequently. But I'm not sure what to say at this point, so I'm just rambling.

I had lunch with a friend today, and his perspective calmed me down a bit about what I perceive is a lack of communication from DC due to the fact that it's summer. See, I hear that there are a few other things that may be expected of me before my dissertation defense, but I'm not hearing about them from DC. Instead, they're coming from peers. These things are good, reasonable tasks that I can understand needing to do, but I don't know why DC has neglected to tell me these details. I suspect it's a factor of no longer living in SCT. Out of sight, out of mind. Perhaps.

Anyhow, the perspective is this: Why don't I just anticipate that DC WILL eventually clue me into these details in the future, and go ahead and tackle some of these things myself. That way, it won't be a big deal later on, and perhaps she'll just gloss over this stuff since it's already done. For example, I wrote the literature review chapter in late 2006 and early 2007. If other relevant articles on my topic have been published since then, then I should include those in the dissertation as well. I don't plan to write a new chapter or anything, but it could be a simple task of just adding the references into something else I've already written, or maybe just a sentence or three on the newer articles. Call it an anticipatory revision. If I can pull in a few more things without being asked to do so, then perhaps DC will just say, "OK, good, you've done it," instead of spending a great deal of time on it later. When I'm even more stressed.

Yeah. That's it. Especially now that I'm in a holding pattern on this @#$% results chapter anyhow.

There. I started writing without a topic in mind, and I ended up working something out in my head. This was good.

Bye.

Bad Dreams

I was up half the night last night, stressed about TFD. I've not actually lost sleep over my doctoral work in quite some time. I guess the reason for this is that for the time being, my progress on the dissertation is out of my hands. DC has my third draft of chapter 5, and I've not yet received acknowledgement that she even received it, let alone is even reading it at this time. It's summer. Professors are under no obligation to read over the summer. OK, OK, I get it. Hearing something, anything, even a "I can't get to this right now, Rob," would be better than silence.

So my dreams went something like this: DC doesn't even start reading the chapter till next month, and then later on she tells me I need to go back to chapter 2 and add a new section of literature because it's been so long since I wrote that chapter. And then chapter 5 still isn't right. And I haven't yet finished writing chapter 6. Oh yeah, and I do have to work. And, did I mention I'm going to have a new boss in about two weeks?

Hate to say it, but I can't wait for the summer to end.

(image credit: http://www.wolfescape.com/Humour/WorkStress.htm)

Sick of it

I am sick of talking about my dissertation with other people. It's getting humiliating, actually. Not the work itself, but the time its taken me to complete it. Technically I'm two years ahead of my final deadline, which for me as a last-minute type of guy is a pretty big deal. Still, I'm sick of the judgmental looks I get from people when they ask about it. I'm sick of sharing small personal victories for myself about my progress that no one else really seems to believe are that big a deal. It feels like I'm being looked down upon when I talk about the progress I'm making, even though my progress has been decent lately. For example, instead of being happy for me that I've received feedback on this second-to-last chapter, and that it went well, I have seen colleagues roll their eyes. Or, they simply say nothing. Perhaps they are skeptical that I'll ever finish. Perhaps they wonder why I'm still bothering to work on this. I've even seen others literally fall asleep right in front of me when I do discuss the finding or the progress I am making, even when they were the ones who asked. Apparently, I have that effect on people. When did I become boring?

It hardly makes me want to walk at graduation because I won't be finished by then, and I don't think anyone is really going to understand that.

At this point, I'd rather end all of this dissertation stuff quietly, without anyone knowing about it, without all the pomp and circumstance, without hearing all the, "Finally," or, "At last!" comments I'm going to hear. I guess they'd be well-meant comments, but really, I don't think I'll want to hear that shit. From my point of view, I'm going as quickly as I can and still maintain a decent life at home and at work. This is not my top priority, and it never has been. The fact that I've still stuck with it, for me, is a pretty big deal.

So perhaps it's easier if I just stop talking about it till about a month or two after it's all over and done. I dunno, though. Wish I were better about keeping my big mouth shut.

Master Bath Renovation

Today Chesterley is getting a bit of a face lift, inside. We're starting on a renovation of the master bathroom. This is a good thing, seeing we've not used the shower stall in there for about 8 months. Fortunately it's not the only bathroom on the second floor.

We're really nervous about it. In prior fixes to things in this house, there's always something unexpected that pops up. We know something will appear here as well. We just hope it's not too much more expensive than what we've planned.

I'll post a few photos later.

This seems too easy

I'm in the throes of my results chapter now, officially. I'm simply writing up the facts as I saw them in the study. It's a bit refreshing not to be attributing every other sentence to somebody else. I'm slowly getting accustomed to writing sentences starting with, "I found..." or "I viewed..." or "I heard...". Me me me, all about me. Guess I'm finally finding my own voice in this process.

So why did I feel like I was going to throw up yesterday when I got together with my writing group? I sounded like the worried Rose (Olympia Dukakis) in Moonstruck. I sat writing in the cafe, wringing my hands, groaning with worry, wondering what I'm missing. This seems too easy. I'm cranking out text, telling the story in my own words, placing quotes where appropriate, and it's easy? The chapter I thought was going to kick my ass for the past six months or more is easy? Are you fucking kidding me?

On second thought, it better be easy. I mean, I've been looking at the interviews, spinning my wheels about all this for YEARS at this point. I practically have these 14 interviews memorized. It shouldn't be a surprise that it's easy.

But it still makes me want to throw up.

So. I guess it's going well.

Welcome to 2010

The mandatory week off last week went relatively well. I finished all but just one-half of the last fucking interview, which I intend to finish tonight.

I'm determined to work no less than one hour per day on this sucker for the indefinite future. Seven hours per week is better than what I achieved last semester, so we'll see.

It's going to be a late night, though, seeing it's 9:30 PM and I'm just getting started. This is typical, though, after a late dinner and Moose's bedtime routine. Oh well: sleep is an under-rated waste of time anyhow. :-) Glad I have a glass of fruit-of-the-vine in hand.

It's not really a new year's resolution, but I'm seriously considering pursuing better living through drugs. Not illegal ones, silly. Rather, the "get rid of the dissertation blues" kind. Or, as my buddy Jason puts it so well: happy pills. I'm generally not a big fan of using stuff that alters my body (beyond caffeine and alcohol in moderate amounts), but I figure these may be worth a shot at this point. I'm discussing all this with Jason on Friday and Gibsyn via e-mail when I can, and I'm certain both will offer good insights in their own ways.

Off to finish the last blasted interview.

Slow and Behind

I haven't posted here in a month. Probably because I really haven't worked on TFD in a month. We moved Moose into his new school today, which is GREAT. His school/therapy will finally get back into a routine, which will be good for all of us. [contented sigh]

I'm behind on a couple of projects at work, probably because I am constantly sitting in meetings to which I'm called or invited. Tomorrow I have meetings from 9:00 AM-5:00 PM straight through, save one hour in the middle of the afternoon. Seriously. I mean, I understand why we all need to meet together, but when exactly does one get one's work accomplished?

I am getting through some hurdles, though. Settling the school thing is good and removes some of the stress from my plate. Also, I attended a conference here in LSC and even did a workshop with my boss and a colleague. It went well, and it was important for me to attend this meeting. I made some new connections and revived a few that were dying off, so it was time well spent. Last year I attended this same conference, and it didn't feel like my time was well-spent, so this was a welcome surprise.

Assuming I indeed am able to plow through these next couple of projects and then finish a division-wide report by the end of next week, I will be able to take a week off (11/9-13) to focus on TFD. Finally.

And I thought I'd be defending the dissertation by Thanksgiving. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Honestly at this point I'll be surprised if I ever finish. I know it will probably happen, but I have absolutely no idea when.

Finally

Wife and child went to a birthday party in SCT today. As much as I would have enjoyed catching up with our old friends, I stayed back here at Chesterley to work on TFD (the fucking dissertation). I do look forward actually to attend weekend trips, parties and the like. Missing out on these things got old two years ago.

Moving on...

The last couple of weeks I've been catching up from what turned out to be a really hellish summer at work. Generally speaking, I've learned I don't acknowledge difficult times till they are over. Reflecting on the summer, while I am grateful for the time away from work I was able to take to make progress on TFD and for vacation, the summer itself was horribly busy, and far busier than I expected. In fact, I'm still catching up on a couple of summer projects, and fall semester classes started over a week ago. The time away probably contributed to the busy summer schedule at work, but it should never be said that life at a university is 'dead' over the summer. Au contraire, mon frere.

Moving on again, to today...

Since I've not made much progress during the work week on TFD due to said busy summer schedule, I felt somewhat justified in my choice to stay home from today's birthday party. And I'm glad I did. I think I actually have the basic structure lined up for My Theory on My Topic, which is, of course, the entire point of conducting a grounded theory study in the first place.

Finally.

Now I just have to get all the pieces lined up, find quotes to support these hair-brained ideas, and finish up this piece. I think I'm almost done. At least, I'm almost done with the draft of the results chapter.

Yeah, no big whoop. The thought of writing this up has only been on my mind for two years.

:-)

Fattening

I'm blowing off my night to work out at the gym so I can work on my dissertation. Sorry Mom. Yes, I know how fat I am.

I am seriously considering making the rest of the month of August one all-nighter so I make sure I get this chapter done. Do I really need to sleep?

Here we go

Scenario: you have a month of the semester remaining, and you have a two-and-a-half papers left to write. You pretty much know what you're going to write about for all three of these, but you don't feel like you have had a decent start. You have no idea how it's all going to get done, but somehow you know it will. It must. Or else. What do you do?

Write my flippin' assets off.

That's where I am right about now. The only really scary part is that "spring break" is happening next week (i.e., our vacation), and I cannot bring the laptop with me.

Today I'm in the library with two friends from SCT. We're all cranking out pages. Should be good writing energy together before a fun dinner with our families later on. Not such a bad Saturday, that is, if one must be locked in a library on a weekend.

Bye.

Summer Crunch

I embark upon another Two Weeks. I am feeling the pressure this time, not that I didn't last time, but there's something different, and a bit more desperate, about this one.

Desperate times have called for desperate measures. I write this note from the comfort of a hotel room. No joke. It's one of those places where all the rooms have little kitchens and no maid service. Fine by me, and certainly less expensive than the other places nearby. I checked myself in for the rest of the week and plan to spend the as much time as my brain will allow with cranking out the crap.

A couple of people who have recently asked me about my progress have laughed, no joke - laughed!, when I responded by saying I plan on finishing up this fall. Now, neither of these people actually have a doctorate, so I realize they don't know what the hell they are talking about. But this is the first time I have said out loud what my plans for completion are. So, why do they laugh? Who knows. I try not to let this sort of stuff bother me too much. If I finish even as late as next spring, I'll still be a full two years ahead of my 2012 deadline.

Anyhow, back to this post. At this point I'm writing out a very structured to-do list so I'm not sitting around wondering what the hell I should do next. I will write regular updates this week to note my progress.

I can't wait to turn this into a house renovation blog.

Anxiety Dreams

If I felt good enough about this process the other day to write the No Fear post, then why the hell am I having anxiety dreams lately?

I'll spare the details, but one of them in particular involved being in the same room as my wife and two former girlfriends. Ungood!

Prepping for Meeting with DC

Hi.

So I'm meeting with DC in about 10 hours. I think things are going to be fine.

Alright, let me clarify this concept called "fine." For every meeting I've ever had with her since the spring of 2005, I walk in feeling like a complete and utter idiot. I struggle through finding the words I need to attempt to express myself, in spite of my sheepish idiocy. I sweat profusely, have rampant bouts of self-doubt, I question how I was ever accepted into this doctoral program in the first place, the whole nine yards. I exaggerate for effect only slightly.

And yet, I always leave these meetings feeling like a scholar. A young, budding scholar, but scholarly nonetheless.

The reason for this is DC's consistent philosophy, which is simply stated like this: "Everyone has a theory." She respects my theory, always. To be clear, she continuously suggests manners in which the theory can be improved. I suspect I will realize the weight of the work I still have ahead of me as a result of this meeting, but I know inherently she will respect the work I have done thus far. Wish I felt that way on the surface as I prepare for this meeting, but deep down, I know it's going to be "fine."

BTW, I have started writing two chapters at once. I have a good number of pages of each. Why in the WORLD I'm writing two chapters at once is beyond me, but it just sorta happened that way.

I'm bringing several documents with me to this meeting: 1) the data analysis process I used [at some point I needed to write this out as a sort of bread crumb path-finding thingamabob so I'd remember what the hell I've been working on since last fall], 2) the big coding grid that snapped together like a deck of cards (I think she's going to like it), 3) my initial concept map with several of the key themes written in to help connect the various points in the study, 4) a very rough outline for the structure of the theory I'm constructing, 5) a rather random, yet important, paragraph I wrote during The Two Weeks that presents what I think is the major catalyst behind the theory, 6) my code writing list, or basically my to-do list for the theory chapter, 7) the beginning of chapter 4 on participants, and 8) the beginning of chapter 5 on the theory (much of which I wrote this morning (alright, technically Tuesday morning).

One may think I'm wasting my time by writing all this out in my blog, but it's actually helping me organize my thoughts for what the hell I'm going to actually discuss with DC tomorrow (today).

Again, I think it's going to be "fine." However, the process of getting there is going to kick my ass.

Bye.

Waiting

Am now in a holding pattern, circling over a rest stop during this plane trip.

I sent an e-mail to DC a couple of days ago requesting a meeting. Figured having an externally-motivated deadline looming overhead would get me to work faster. I've heard nothing back. Her track record for responding to e-mail timely isn't stellar, so I'll probably have to actually radio down to the control tower (i.e., use the telephone) later today.

Waiting, waiting...