Office Abyss

Since 2005 I have written in this blog about my need to clean my home office. This was true in both the old house and the current one. In both cases it's never been dirty. It's simply cluttered. On the surface it doesn't look too bad. I know how to shove a pile into a spot that's not very obvious to the viewer.

While this current office is the smallest of the four bedrooms in Chesterley, it actually has a large closet. This is BAD. Each time I have a visitor staying overnight in this room, I shove piles of paper into said closet. There's plenty of room left.

So I'm just shoving more stuff in there tonight in preparation for Christmas visits from relatives and needing to flip this office into a temporary bedroom. I should go through it all, but I'm not sure I will. And next Christmas the same thing will happen...Am I turning into a hoarder?

Seriously, I do plan to tackle The Office this winter. There is basically a whole bunch of stuff that can simply be shoved in the recycle bin. It's funny to find drafts and drafts of my dissertation, all of which I will either recycle or BURN.

Overwhelmingly Good

My Doctor of Philosophy degree was officially conferred today. That didn't bring about any great changes to my day or anything. I've neither grown an inch taller nor have I gained back any of my hair. In fact, even my knowledge of this day was based solely on my communication with the Doctoral Recorder as quoted in my previous post. It shouldn't be a big deal.

For fun, I went into the student system to double-check the status, and sure enough it's noted there on my transcript:

DEGREE AWARDED
Large Midwest University Degree
Large Midwest University, Small College Town
University Graduate School
Doctor of Philosophy
Major: Higher Education
Minor: Instructional Systems Technology
Minor: Educational Psychology
11-30-2010

And then it hit me. Bam! Imagine standing in front of a high-powered fan trying to inhale at an even rate of speed, only to be overwhelmed by the extremely-quick flow of air being shoved into your lungs. That's sort of how I feel right now. Or, perhaps I simply have pneumonia? Either way, that's pretty swell to see it in writing, in the transcript. Wow.

Alright. Back to work.

Final Confirmation

It's been a funny week or so. After submitting the document online on Saturday the 13th, I needed to get the paperwork signed by my chair. We had a great exchange: She said she's giving me till January, and then we're going to discuss how to get this study published. I don't think I could ask for a better compliment than that. We both agreed that this is more of a beginning of a research career than an end to graduate school. That's sort of neat, though holy SHIT I'm glad the graduate school part is ending!

Then I delivered the signed paperwork to The Graduate School in person, that same day. In the past, there would have been a grumpy person sitting in that office with a ruler in hand to make sure all of my margins lined up appropriately. Since I submitted it online, I thought I circumvented that process. Au contraire mon frere! I received an e-mail from The Graduate School the following day indicating I needed to do things like: "1) remove the word 'Dedication' from your dedication page [seriously?], 2) remove the word "Abstract" from the abstract page [what the FUCK?], and 3) the margins of your CV [attached to the end of the dissertation] are too small...please readjust." THOSE were the barriers between me and finishing? Um...OK. Whatever.

It took me just a few minutes to make the changes and resubmit. Then I gently prodded The Main Office of my Department to ensure the details of my transcript were in line (we receive temporary grades for "dissertation research" credits till the dissertation is done, and those need to be cleared out before our degree is conferred). That was completed last Friday.

So today I finally received the following note from The Graduate School:

Dear Robert of Chesterley,

All requirements are now completed for the awarding of your Ph.D. degree. Your official graduation date is November 30, 2010.

The Office of the Registrar will mail your diploma to your Student Home Address approximately three months after your official graduation date. Please verify that this address in [The Student System] current and correct for the mailing of your diploma. If your Student Home Address is incorrect, please contact the Registrar's Office.

Also, please check your Primary Name in [The Student System] for your diploma. If your name is incorrect, please contact the Registrar's Office.

I will submit the final approved version of your dissertation to ProQuest/UMI for publishing after your official graduation date.

Congratulations on this wonderful accomplishment!

Best Regards,

"Jane Q. Smith"
Doctoral Recorder
University Graduate School
Large Midwestern University

So, I guess that's it. It's all done. The curtain is down. The orchestra cadenced. There's nothing more to do but be a doctor from here onward.

I am of two minds. I'm so glad this crap is finally finished. Holy smokes. At the same time, this journey has been one of the best things for my career. Even after having a shitty day at work, I still come out of the experience actually liking my job. If it weren't for the doctorate I would not have joined this research field. So I'm thankful for that experience. And I'm also thankful this journey has finally ended.

Yay.

Study #07- 11947 Complete

I heard back from DC yesterday. She had a few minor changes for me to make. And then she wrote:

I think once you make these changes it is ready to go. I don't need to see it again.

After saying out loud, "Are you fucking kidding me?", after the hooping and hollering at my on-campus desk stopped, and after getting dinner and a drink with a friend (planned weeks before), I finished the edits late last night. Today I did the final formatting edits and conversion into a PDF....

Just minutes ago I deposited the completed dissertation via the online system we use at LMU. It's DONE!!!

Time to head out for dinner and a movie with Wife. Life is back to normal again for the first time in over 8 years.

What a great day.

Back in DC's Court

Boing! I served the ball back over to my chair. I got through the dissertation revisions over the weekend. Am pretty excited about this. I sent it back to her overnight on Sunday, and I received a response yesterday saying she's away for a couple of days but will get to it when she returns. It's all in her court now. Hopefully she'll respond in a timely manner and we can get TFD turned into The Graduate School forever! My goal is this month, but if that's not going to happen then so be it. December 2010 will be just as fine...as long as the year is 2010. My goal all along was the walk in graduation during the same year I submitted the dissertation!!!

I've been reading up on all the little procedures I'll need to do before turning it in. It's fascinating. It's almost like one needs an additional doctorate in certain technology in order to get the submission correct, and to follow all of the rules. One of the directions actually says, "Don't forget to embed your fonts." Excuse me? Isn't that a bit personal? Hahahahaha. I crack up myself. Fortunately the powers that be go on to explain what the hell that means in the directions. It's all good.

So, I wait. But I relax, probably for the first time in about 8 1/2 years.

Reflections

The dissertation defense was a deeper experience for me than I anticipated it would be. I have been so focused on finishing the paper while balancing other aspects of life that I think I’ve lost a bit of myself along the way. Or, at least I’ve lost a bit of my ability to feel. Here I stand at the end of the journey as I complete these final ten revisions (did I mention there are ten?), and I find myself trying to pick up various pieces of my brain that I may have dropped behind me by mistake, much like one would drop breadcrumbs in a forest in order to find one’s way home.

The funny thing is that tonight I find myself remembering the end of high school. I didn’t know it when I was there, but that was one of the times in my life when I felt powerful. I was a badass pianist. I honestly don’t know if I was ever a better pianist than senior year of high school. I got into college on my piano skills and, I guess, the fact that I could write my way out of a box. I was at the top of my game as a pianist, I was in decent physical shape, I had a full head of hair... things were going well.

I went to college and the comparison bug started. I was constantly comparing myself with others and immediately making bad judgments against myself. Not sure where that came from. Instead of the constant comparison being a motivating force to compete and perform better, it got to be pretty damaging. And I lost myself in the process. I couldn’t be good enough to satisfy me. There were times I didn’t even try. I had to spend a long while picking up the pieces after college. Don’t get me wrong: I was a decent musician upon graduation, but what was I doing with music then? Could I really identify as a musician? Not really. And I never ended up working in music full-time afterward, so it was easy to feel a bit lost after having gained admission to college as a musician, for crying out loud.

Then I started my master’s degree. It wasn’t as bad. I was finding myself in a new career, and in general I liked it. It took me a few years to pick up the pieces again, but I was able to do alright. And ultimately I had picked them up enough to hold a good job, do well, marry the Wife, have a kid, and start the doctorate appropriately. Life was pretty good.

So, at least I’ve been through the piece-picking-up process a few times in the past, and I’ve been successful with it. In fact, I think the process has already started. Colors appear brighter. Music sounds clearer. In general I feel more powerful. I’m more centered. I feel more capable. And apparently, people are interested in what I think. That’s pretty neat. Maybe I have badass thoughts? The good kind of badass, though, not the “I’m a bad person,” badass.

Finally. Self-confidence is a good thing. And it’s been on holiday a long, long time.

Passed!!! ...with some editing required

I tried to tweet about this yesterday, but for some reason my Twitter ap on my phone refused to accept my userID and password. Oh well.

I passed the defense! I have a few edits to do, and but they are minor, according to my chair. Phew! Am going to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to plow through as many of those as possible before I start forgetting details. If I can finish them up in the next couple of weeks, then I will go into Thanksgiving with a LOT for which to be thankful!!!

Final Preparation

I met with DC last Friday afternoon, and she told me I will have five minutes to provide an overview of my study to the committee and any visitors who will be in the room.

Five minutes? I'd have an easier time with 60 minutes. Five??

Well, early this morning I completed a draft of a five-minute presentation (FIVE??), and I ran it by two colleagues over lunch today. Remarkably they didn't fall asleep. At least not entirely. They also provided very helpful feedback that I will incorporate in this evening.

I'll practice just a few more times, and then I'll go to bed. Early. Zzzz

I'm not that stressed about it, honestly. Sure, I'm nervous. I am human, after all. But I think it's ultimately going to go well. I certainly will not peak too soon with this five-minute presentation, though. Geez.

Defense Preparation

Eight years of work is coming down to a 90-minute meeting with my committee? Anyone out there care to share ideas for how I should prepare for the dissertation defense next Wednesday? Perhaps a good combination of alcohol and prayer could work...

One more week

One week from today I'll be pulling out my hair and biting off my nails as I prepare for my defense. At this point, I can't wait to get it done. Am not really dreading the experience...I'm dreading the anticipation of the experience. I hope the week just flies by...

Recovery

It's funny: I'm not all that nervous about the defense just yet. I'm certain I will be a few days beforehand. For now, I just feel like it's done, like I've submitted a paper for class and I'm simply waiting for the final grade. I'm moving on to a few important tasks I have this week and next at work (like three presentations at two conferences between now and the 24th), and I'm starting to get back into a regular sleep pattern. Even went out of town with the family last weekend to visit relatives, which is something I've not done in a long while (usually I stay home alone to work on the paper).

I find it to be funny that I find myself in recovery mode. I'm just plumb tired. Supremely tired. Not physically, but mentally. To the point where I wonder if I'll find the energy again. It's just a feeling, and I realize it's not reality. The only thing I can chalk it up to is just needing time to recover from the stress of the last eight years or so. Let's hope it does not take me eight more years to recover! haha.

It's completely out of my hands

At high noon today, I sent my completed dissertation to my committee. There's nothing more I can do till the defense on 11/3. So, I wait.

And as the weight of the final edits lifted, by body proceeded to fall apart. I have a completely mysterious toothache (just days after having a cavity filled on another tooth) that turned majorly painful, and I think I have a sinus infection as a hold-over from a head cold I had over a week ago. No fever though. But I even went to the doctor and phoned the dentist. I haven't been in this much pain in...well, I don't know, but it sucked. Am on a nasal steroid and major Advil amounts till I can see the dentist Thursday morning.

Kinda funny how the body works. Holds itself together till it knows it can let go. Am feeling better now that I'm home and legally drugged. I think I'm going to sleep well tonight!

Copy Edit Hell

Copy edits suck, but they will make for a better dissertation defense in the end.
Copy edits suck, but they will make for a better dissertation defense in the end.
Copy edits suck, but they will make for a better dissertation defense in the end.
Copy edits suck, but they will make for a better dissertation defense in the end.
Copy edits suck, but they will make for a better dissertation defense in the end.
Copy edits suck, but they will make for a better dissertation defense in the end.

I need to keep saying this to keep me motivated today.

Copy edits suck, but they will make for a better dissertation defense in the end.
Copy edits suck, but they will make for a better dissertation defense in the end.
Copy edits suck, but they will make for a better dissertation defense in the end.
Copy edits suck, but they will make for a better dissertation defense in the end.

Defense is One Month from Today

I've been remiss about posting an update or two in the last couple of days:

First, I did finish up that last bit of unexpectedness Sunday night. I had a head cold, so I decided to sleep in Monday and I did a final edit of everything from home later that morning. Sent it off to DC around 1:00 PM that day.

Second, my defense announcement now appears on the LMU web site with "upcoming Ph.D. dissertation defense announcements," so it's getting very real now. I guess I'm a bit nervous on the emotional side, though the logical side knows that ultimately it will go just fine. Hell, my qualifying exam defense did not necessarily go very well, but I passed. I didn't know what the hell I was talking about then. THIS should be just fine. A couple of colleagues have asked to attend the defense, as these things are technically open to the public. Not sure yet how I feel about having anyone else in the room besides The Committee and Wife. I'll have to think about that.

So at this point, I'm simply doing another copy edit of the whole document and awaiting DC's comments on Chapter 6 Draft 3. Hopefully the third time will be a charm once again. I am seriously considering saying, "No DC. No more editing. I'm done. It's over," if she were to give me additional feedback. Yeah, I'll just keep dreaming about that little joke.

More later. Bye.

One Final Bump in the Road

I knew it would happen: I knew there would be one more hurdle to cross. It's not a big deal, but it threw me off guard this late in the game.

DC wondered why I had not included one well-known theorist's work in my dissertation. Well, I had included this person's work in my dissertation proposal in 2007, and my chair suggested I remove it at that time. I did, but I saved the text in a separate document just in case.

Glad I saved it. Now we're discussing whether or not to include this author's work in my final chapter as an unexpected finding. Really? How is it unexpected when I had initially thought it should be in there from the beginning? DC asked whether or not I agree with her point of view to include this theorist's work. I do agree, but indirectly, since I think this literature should have been a consideration all along.

At this point, I'm just saying, "yes, ma'am," I agree. All of our communication is done through e-mail, and I really REALLY hate using e-mail for communication of important information.

It's really not a big deal. I'll pull what I already wrote in 2007 and adjust it to fit into this chapter. I aim to have this complete this evening. Too bad I developed a fucking head cold on the eve of when I'll complete the fucking dissertation, but it's par for the course these last five years.

The Date has been Set

I will defend my dissertation on Wednesday, November 3, 2010 in the early afternoon. Crazy.

No More Waiting

Got a note from DC today with just a few suggestions for edits, but nothing too major. She suggested I get to work on scheduling the dissertation defense sometime in the next 6-8 weeks. Wowzas. She even said this:

This reports some really interesting stuff! You WILL publish this model...it is good.

Seriously?

Looks like we'll have plenty for which to be thankful at Thanksgiving.

I wait

I wait for a response from DC. This has been a long week. I grow impatient. I also grow to enjoy not working on the dissertation, which is BAD! Hopefully my impatience will be kept at bay.

Remembering 9-11-2001

I neglected to mention yesterday that Wife and I did spend some time remembering the 9-11 tragedy. We were living in the Southeast, within two hours of the Pentagon, actually. Moose was not even two months old. Amidst all the tragedy unfolding relatively nearby and in NYC, it was the first day that Moose smiled. Imagine the irony in it all when that happened? Crazy.

A Different Saturday

It's pretty swell to be using an early Saturday morning to finish up a conference presentation proposal that pertains to my job and not to my dissertation. It has a tangible end to it, like in the next 30 minutes or so when it will be submitted and complete.

I've not yet heard from DC on the chapter, other than a confirmation e-mail on Thursday that she's adding it to her "To Do list." Fine by me: gives me time to take a breather from it. When I have time this weekend, I'll incorporate edits from a former colleague of mine who graciously took some time to read it last week. But the rest of the weekend will actually be a weekend. What's that like?