One-man Band

I've been listening a lot to one of my Diana Krall CDs lately, and her music has really helped me focus. I've CRANKED these past couple of days, actually. And uh yeah, I've sorta kept the CD on "repeat" as a result.

I'm starting to equate my writing process to that of being a one-man band. The band practices until all the instruments are tightly-knit, the venue is such that the music sounds good, and the resources are all in line in order for the performance to happen. Writing, then, becomes a performance of sorts. This is not to say that each writing session must be a perfect, critically-acclaimed performance. However, I'm calling it "a performance" in that the outgrowth of a good rehearsal involves all of the pieces functioning together well enough to "perform." The performance itself doesn't need to be stellar every time, but in order for the show to go on the pieces at least need to be able to work together.

A jazz group would have a difficult time performing without its drummer, or its bassist, or its vocalist, and so forth. All of the components must at least "be there" in order for the performance to happen. Again, the performance may not be stellar, but the show must go on.

This is to suggest that if (er...OK, when) I'm having a bad writing day, it's not that I'm inherently a bad writer or a poor scholar. It's just that the vocalist in my band has a cold, or the drummer has an ear infection, or the bassist is just having a bad day and should really be playing the blues. One or more components is probably missing that day, so that day's performance may not win any awards. But I need to keep in mind that the show must go on. I need to at least complete the show and 'get it out there,' so I can then take the feedback from the local newspaper critic, learn from it, and work toward a better performance in the future. Without performance, others don't know you're doing much of anything. You can practice all you want in your own living room, but what's the point of making music unless you share it and let others hear it?

OK, it's time to kick my drummer's ass and get some more writing done today. Am determined to finish up this @#$% lingering pilot study before I see DC on Tuesday.

writing

Autism Success Story

Check out this VERY cool Autism success story, linked over at Three Bed Two Bath.

Cheeseburger, Fries & a Couple of Beers

Fuck the diet, I needed a break this evening.

I spent a good chunk of the day on a regression assignment for my multivariate stats class. I think I ran the data just fine, and I have till Thursday to write up the results. Took a while, though. While I can follow every word the professor says in class, and I understand the concepts, the act of actually applying the knowledge to something "real" and trying to remember all the details made my ass tired. Guess I'm more qualitative at heart. Nevertheless, I managed to figure it out. However, the part of the regression model I was most excited about ended up having absolutely no impact on the dependent variable at all. AUGH! If I weren't already bald, I would have pulled out my hair! That's life in quantitative research, I guess. Now I need to spend the next couple of days writing about how the data disproved my own theory. Nice. :|

Just before 6PM, I went downstairs and said, "OK, we need to go out and do something fun. I am not letting a bunch of numbers get me depressed on a Saturday evening!" So Wife, Moose and I went to a local establishment known for its burgers and cheap beers, located right on the county courthouse square. Even though it's so blasted cold (8 degrees right now), we enjoyed the time out. Had a chance to walk around the square a bit and even hit a local bookstore. I think Moose had fun as well; he actually kept his hood and mittens on for a change.

I enjoy cranking out a bunch of work on a Saturday afternoon if I can later celebrate with a meal and a couple of beers out in town somewhere. I think that's what got me through the last two college degrees, and it seems to be working for this third one too.

Weightwatchers? Huh?

A Bout with Academic Paralysis

If I were afraid of nothing, imagine how much more productive I would be. For me, fear is almost a paralyzing force, and it's one that I deal with in particular around academics. I think it's been that way ever since I was in high school. Sometimes I'm fearful even when I need to write about things I'm "good" at doing. I don't get it. Is it a fear of making an error? I doubt it - even as a pianist I was never too worried about being technically "perfect" all the time.

Fortunately, Academic Paralysis (AP) (hey, I just made up that construct!) has always been a temporary thing for me. One of the reasons I started this blog was to attempt to overcome this fear. I think it's worked to a point. When I finally start writing a paper (and I usually start later than I "should"), nine times out of ten it goes rather swiftly and ends with a decent-to-good result. An older and wiser colleague has said to me: Shooting for the stars is admirable, but you don't always need to hit the target to still be "good." It's excellent advice, and I should listen to her more.

I guess I fear the start of the dissertation proposal. I fear being alone without guidance, and I fear I'll drift too far down the wrong path and will never be able to swim back upstream. I realize these are probably not irrational fears: I imagine many other doc students go through a similar experience. It's just that this has been the longest case of AP that I've experienced do date.

I bet that many of these feelings of AP stem from the fact that my most trusted writing advisor and editor -- my father -- died unexpectedly about two years ago, during my second year in this doctoral program. The way he went was generous to him and horribly unfair to the rest of us still left. Basically, his heart just stopped one afternoon. On the one hand: write me that ticket! No major long-term illness traveling down a narrow road of disease or discomfort. On the other hand: his death left lots of un-finished business which he wouldn't care for very much. During the first year-and-a-half in this program I pictured the dissertation-writing process looking somewhat like: 1) write a draft of a dissertation chapter, 2) pass it onto Dad, 3) wait for him to rip me a new one with his feedback (as usual), and 4) off I'd go to write another draft with the end product being of thorough detail and succinct grammar. I'm feeling a little lost without that built-in structure in place. Dad operated with a nice blend of logic, organization, and philosophy in his work (I'll never know why he worked in sales and not academia), and I do miss his presence in my life.

I guess I need to keep the present day in mind. First, "life happens" and there isn't much I can do to control these events. The show must go on. Next, DC is turning out to be a fantastic sounding board for research ideas, and I know I'm very fortunate for that good relationship. Wife is always supportive and wonderful, and she's also a good editor too. Pink and a couple of other colleagues are trustworthy types who aren't afraid to argue with me about concepts and ideas. Argumentation was the way I would negotiate discussions with Dad, so finding this spirit in a couple of colleagues is good for me (and is probably not nearly as annoying as it was at times with Dad!). Hopefully things will start clicking again very soon.

Bloggiversary

Today is Chesterley's first birthday. Just one year ago I was in the depths of studying for qualifying exams. Seems like a very long time ago! Thanks to those of you who have been checking in either regularly or even just once in a while.

I'm a bit amazed that I've managed to keep up this informal writing habit on a regular basis throughout the year. I do think it's helped my writing process in general. Also, it's been a fantastic outlet for a wide variety of thoughts on the dissertation, the career, raising a child with special needs, being a husband, and many others. Being accountable to others with this public-and-yet-all-about-me sort of writing helps me organize my thoughts and even gain perspective when I'm going into a downward mental tailspin. So, thanks to anyone reading for being around and helping me stay focused.

I'm off to be a researcher for a few hours now before an actual date with my wife this evening. I can get used to this.

Cheers to another good year!

Kermit THEE Frog here!

Wow, I thought I was gonna be Rolf! My comments appear [in bold brackets].

You Are Kermit

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly [aw shucks], you get along well with everyone you know. [well, not quite everyone] You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems. [yep] Don't worry - everyone knows it's not easy being green. [well, not quite everyone] Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies! [yum!]

The Muppet Personality Test

Agenda: Research!

It's been a relatively productive week, though still not much progress on the dissertation. I've submitted a paper for publication (COMPLETELY different paper than the one I've discussed here before), ran a staff meeting in the place of my boss, helped meet a major deadline at my office, edited a paper for a colleague, interviewed two clients at our office on a new project we're starting, and I even submitted our tax documentation to our accountant (I've never done this so early!). Also, I'm breaking ground in some important areas for me, like learning more about research methodologies. On my to-do list for the weekend are:

1. act as a peer debriefer for a colleague as he decodes his dissertation data (qualitative)
2. "play" with a data set I've obtained for my multivariate statistics course (quantitative)
3. write a short paper for my stats class
4. plan a master's-level class I'm teaching next Tuesday evening
5. have dinner and a movie with Wife tomorrow night (wait, a DATE? What??)

It's interesting that I'm working on both qualitative and quantitative projects this weekend. I'm glad to be developing familiarity with both, though I think I'll always feel more at home in the qualitative world. It was cool, though: a colleague of mine cut this data set (no. 2, above) from a larger survey administered through our office. I was able to watch, and UNDERSTAND, how she pulled the data and even help make decisions on how to define things. It's just for a class assignment on multiple regression analysis, but this colleague and I hope this analysis could be the start of a larger project we'll work on together in our office this spring and summer. Much fun! And very geeky, which I sorta like. :-)

Sleepie

Greetings fellow bloggers and friends. I'm still here. It's been a long while since I posted last. We went to Chicago to see an opera last weekend and had a great time. Then, I've been swamped under a rock with work stuff. Things are going well, though, and I'm not feeling much stress. It's good to be busy again. I think my theory of having a few more things on my plate to kick my ass is actually working well, because I'm being productive. Somewhat. OK, not on my dissertation, but on the class I'm taking, the class I'm teaching, and the article I'm finishing up, all's going relatively well. I'm not sleeping much, though.

Starting this weekend I'm officially setting aside my Saturday for getting studying done. Of course I lost an entire weekend and a couple of days here & there with the trip to Chicago and a very busy time at work. Still, it's good to know I have that extra time carved out and scheduled in the calendar for working. Let's hope I can pull it all together sometime soon.

Loss!

I'm a loser! One more pound GONE this week. Honestly, it wasn't really that hard, and I didn't change the number of times I ate: I just changed the type of food I took in.

To work or not to work, that is the question.

I'm not talking about working on my dissertation! Of course I'm gonna do that...really!

I'm talking about working full-time, or not. I'm applying for a couple of full-time jobs right now. I've decided that I'm too old to continue to take out student loans. Besides, after this semester all of my courses and hours of "doctoral thesis," whatever that actually is, will be paid off as a result of having worked in assistantships for four years. So, I figure what's the rush? Why not take a job that can hopefully be in an area I'd like to work anyhow, stop going further into debt, and just plug away at the dissertation slowly. The thing I worry about, of course, is finding the motivation to finish.

However, I think I'm listening too much to others when I worry about this. Others say, "if you take a full-time job, then you'll lose the motivation to do the dissertation." I don't think I quite agree. I mean, it's not like I wasn't employed full-time prior to finding the motivation to come here. I chose to leave my job, and the salary wasn't so bad, as far as jobs in student affairs go. I was ready for a change, and most important, I was ready to conduct my own research. So why would I lose the motivation?

On the contrary, I think I'd stand to gain more motivation. Right now I worry, all the time (I've already used that word three times in this post!). Do we have enough money to make it through the next semester? Man, we really need a new oven. Will this doc student experience really move my career to a better place? Will Moose ever communicate and grow? If money weren't as much of an issue, it would be one less stressor. The position would be some stability in my life. Perhaps that stability would allow me the serenity to actually focus on finishing up, knowing that I would no longer have any barriers in my way for moving up in my field...at least, no barriers over which I have any control.

I will miss doing what I'm doing now: working for a half day, and then coming to the cafe, or wherever, alone to get my work done. But there's always vacation time. If I can really plow through the proposal this spring, then I do think I'd be able to work on collecting the data during the next school year and then spend some good chunks of time in the summer of 2007 writing up the results. Perhaps I'm dreaming with this schedule, but I'd rather risk extending the time on the dissertation even further than risk going into yet more debt and more worry.

We'll see what happens with these coupla job applications.

Four Things Meme

Tagged by Lemming, a fellow doctoral candidate (though in a different field, and not necessarily at LMU).

4 jobs you've had in your life: gate guard at the Ravinia Festival, summer home of the Chicago Symphony, stage manager for an opera company, resident advisor at my undergraduate institution, director of first-year student services at a university

4 movies you could watch over & over: Dead Poets Society, Apollo 13, Back to the Future, O Brother Where Art Thou?

4 television shows you love: Desperate Housewives, Friends, Law & Order, many of the home improvement shows on TLC

4 places you have lived: Glencoe, IL; Rochester, NY; Columbus, OH, Richmond, VA

4 places you have been on vacation: Leelanau County, MI; Galena, IL; Disney World; Outer Banks, NC

4 Web sites you visit daily: my.yahoo.com, my blog roll, weightwatchers.com, chronicle.com

4 places you'd rather be right now: Leelanau County, MI; Disney World; in my bed; on a beach

4 bloggers you are tagging: Cousin Dave, Padg, and that's about it for now.

Moose on a Horse!

IMG_0265,
originally uploaded by chesterley.

I've posted a few pictures of Thomas's first horseback riding trip last week. Once he got accustomed to sitting on a living & breathing beast, he ended up having a great time.

I was supposed to comment Monday night

...but Moose got sick again. Another stomach virus. It was totally out of the blue. Boy was that fun. The poor kid. He's feeling a little better now, but thankfully he realizes he can just stay in bed all he wants.

Monday afternoon I got a little more done on some edits. Last night was the night I teach with DC each week, and we usually get dinner together beforehand. I'm thankful for the planned time with her each week on a few different levels. First, I just enjoy hanging out with her - she has a great sense of humor and we have similar views on the higher education field. Second, I enjoy teaching with her and I'm learning a great deal. Finally, our regular meetings keeps me in constant communication about my dissertation progress, or lack thereof. Last night I told her more about the work Wife and I have put into finding schooling options for Moose; she's aware that the dissertation has taken a temporary place on the back burner, and she assured me my priorities are in line. So, even though the ship is getting stalled in the port, at least the navigator of the ship is aware of what's going on.

Blue Weekend

Kind of a blue weekend that just passed. Glad it's over. I suppose one runs into these road blocks, and for me road blocks occur when I feel like my future is out of my control. Of course the future's out of my control: it hasn't happened yet! Call me a control freak or whatever else you like: it's part of me, and I ain't changing it.

I am sick of the poverty and am sick of being a student. Still, the best way to get beyond the poverty and student-dom is to get cranking on this dissertation puppy. Arf. So, here I am back at the cafe and ready to go. I ran into two other colleagues, and we're going to make the Monday afternoon time at the cafe a regular thing. I have two hours today, so I'm determined to feel like I've gotten SOMETHING done. I plan to post again this evening with an update, and I will probably start doing regular weekly reports like I did last Friday.

One bit of good news: I did lose a pound last week! Down to 215.5 now. Some minorly- (minorly?) bad news (very minor in the scheme of life): my old Palm m500 finally bit the dust. I was able to replace it with one for under $100 (the Palm Z22), which was nice, and it's in color! However, this new one is too "new" to support the Palm-based WeightWatchers software, so I can no longer carry around the points calculators, food lists, and food database with me. It was kinda cool to be able to log in food choices and such and then upload it all to the Web interface. Oh well: at least I know where I'm supposed to be at any given time instead of having a frozen Palm. Hopefully WW will upgrade its software soon.

Enough of this geekiness and onto some editing!

The week in review

It's not been a great week on the dissertation front. Kinda shitty, actually. I think I was thrown off by the timing of the MLK holiday, just after getting a feel for the routine of the semester. I'm in a rut and I hate it. People who started a year later than I did are now ahead of me. I shouldn't compare, but I do. Moving onward...

We've had a good week for Moose, though, which is good. We met with the preschool coordinator on Wednesday because we're working on upping her therapies at home and at school. Also, we're thinking we're going to change schools next fall and send him to one that has a great deal more structure. We continue to be amazed that we have a CHOICE of PRESCHOOLS for kids with developmental problems, and these are all public schools!!! In addition, we started another therapy for Moose involving horses. Yes, Moose rode a horse yesterday! Pictures forthcoming.

The plan: I have times/dates scheduled with Pink, and I think that will help me with some "live" accountability for dissertation stuff. Also, the next couple of weeks are just going to be normal, schedule-wise. In addition, we're getting through a busy season at Assistantship, so next week should be more calm.

Public Disclosure

OK friends and fellow bloggers, this is one of these things that if I don't say it out loud, then it isn't "real." So, here goes:

I'm going back on WeightWatchers. Today.

Summary: At the end of 2001, I went on WeightWatchers (WW) for the first time, and I lost 25 pounds in 3 months. I kept it off for nearly a year, sometimes lingering at the 30-pound mark. Now I'm back up to 216.5.

Details (and if you hate details, then skip down to the "Plan" section): Son was born in July of 2001 and I was never heavier. Sympathy weight, perhaps, but I had been carrying around too much weight for about 7 years at that point (bad habits learned while earning the Master's degree). September 11 happened, and I had this infant son to raise into this strange world. I took a different perspective on my life that month and wondered why I was WAITING to get in shape. So, I joined the online version of WeightWatchers, which worked well for me since I was either at my desk or attending/running a gazilion meetings all day long. Anything I'd eat was logged into the Web site when I came back to my desk. I quickly learned I was eating for at least one-and-a-half of me, and I had probably done so for several years.

On September 18, 2001, I was 30 years old and I weighed 227 pounds, which at a height of 5'9" is waay too much. In fact, I'd have to be a 6'7" 45-year-old in order for 221 to be healthy, let alone 227!!! My body mass index (BMI) was 34, which is considered "obese." By December 9, 2001 I was at 202 pounds with a BMI of 29, or just "overweight," which I thought was pretty darn exciting. By the beginning of February I had lost five more pounds to be at 197. That was the first time in YEARS that I was below 200 pounds. I could literally pull off my size 40 waist jeans with the belt buckled. I didn't feel like I had asthma anymore. When walking across campus, my students and colleagues didn't recognize me. My knees didn't hurt when I walked Chester. I could fit into the Jetta easily. Life was definitely different and much healthier.

Oh, and I must say that I really wasn't exercising all that much. My weight loss happened primarily because I put an end to unloading a truck into my stomach each day.

That spring semester-into-summer was my last time running new student orientation, and I was back at 202 (BMI=30) during most of that period. For working 10+ hours per day for a couple of months, I didn't think a five-pound gain was so bad. Most important: it stayed right around there the next few months, and I was no longer being very religious about WW at that point. I had learned the tools to maintain my weight, which I think is the lesson in all of this.

And then we moved to SCT. I gained gradually during the first year. I was learning a new lifestyle and working zany hours where I'd eat whatever was necessary to help me stay up longer hours for reading, paper-writing, managing stress, etc. By the end of the first year here, I was back up to 217 (BMI=32, back in the obese range). I was still 10 pounds under my highest weight, thankfully, though it has spiked up here & there during particularly stressful times. I've pretty much kept it right around the 215 range since then.

Plan: Yesterday I was 216.5 pounds (BMI=32), and I'm determined to start the big decrease from here on out. I hope that putting a structure to my eating habits will also foster a structured life for dissertation-writing. WW says the "ideal" weight for someone my height is between 135-162 pounds. Can you IMAGINE?? My first goal is to get to the mid 180s for now, and we'll go from there. It's healthy to lose about 2 pounds per week.

Dang this post is long. Thanks for reading (if you're still here with me)! The blog-based accountability will be good for me.

What kind of coffee are you?

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Progression

There must have been something in the air today that was conducive to productivity in doctoral students. I'm sticking to my new schedule this week (OK, forgive me for being 45 minutes late for studying this morning), and this morning I CRANKED on edits for this publication I'm trying to finish. The friend with whom I was studying also had a productive morning: I think we sorta fed each other good energy, if you will.

And then I just read that my friend Lemming had a productive day too...probably a good breakthrough on her dissertation. Very exciting and inspiring stuff!

Here's to hoping this energy, or air, or whatever it is can carry through the rest of the week.

Je suis au cafe

I do like this cafe, but today it's a little bit weird. For one thing, the music's a bit too loud for my taste, but I can get past that.

The other is that the couple at the table next to me really needs to go find a room. Do you catch my drift? I mean, ew. I really didn't come here to feel like I'm in the way of someone else. I was here first, and they're sitting FAR too close to me to do what they're doing.

But that aside, it's good to be starting a new semester, and perhaps a new routine. I hate to say new "routine" when it's still rather new. How could it be routine yet?

OK, I really need to get some coffee and stop thinking so much about nothing. I should be writing a new Seinfeld episode.

"You, at the next table...Get off of her!" There, I feel better now. I think I'm going to switch to a booth...

Energy from Balmy Weather

I think the weather befits my mood today. I'm finding myself excited for this next semester because I'm going to be extremely busy. The weather today is a balmy, windy 62 degrees here in SCT, and it feels like spring even though it's early January. In spite of the date, I always get energized by the spring-like weather, especially when it's not too warm. It's like everything outside is about to start growing again, and my energy level usually increases in anticipation for an exciting time in nature.

I know, I know...it's probably going to snow again before long, and I don't mind that. But I'm savoring this nice weather nonetheless.

This sort of weather reminds me of a time during my master's degree that I felt like I had finally arrived as a graduate student, and perhaps as an "adult." It was the winter-into-spring before I finished up in 1996, and no longer was I making a transition from undergraduate work to graduate school. I was finally feeling like I was a "good" student. I knew who my friends were, and also those from whom I should maintain a distance. I lived alone and truly enjoyed the experience. I was very productive that spring, on many levels: it was the spring in which I proposed to Wife, found my first full-time job, and successfully finished the master's degree. I was confident that I was entering a profession to which I was well-suited and well-prepared. That spring was a very exciting time in my life.

So, I'm getting the same sort of feelings of excitement today, on the Sunday before the new semester begins. To be honest, in past years I've dreaded this Sunday, and now I'm just ready. In the first paragraph I mentioned I was excited because I am going to be very busy. I think I did not take advantage of the unplanned time as well as I could have, so this upcoming term is an opportunity to fix that and move onward. I will take a class for fun (multivariate statistics in educational research - FUN??), and I will help my dissertation chair to teach the capstone course for my department's master's program. My assistantship will continue as planned, and I am feeling good about the schedule/battle I've won with when I'm going to work and when I'm going to study.

Mentally, I'm in a good place at the beginning of what should, hopefully, prove to be a productive semester. Perhaps I've arrived in a new stage of my life? Well, I don't know if it's that deep. I prefer to just blame it on the weather!