I think party-going with our son has stopped now, at least for a short while. That is, unless we're hosting the party here at Chesterley, which is something we enjoy doing a great deal.
Saturday night we took Son to a gathering of friends from our church at a home we had never visited. This group is pretty much our closest group of friends in town. However, we suspect they do not completely understand life with a child who has special needs.
Son obsesses over certain things like fans...he can't get enough of watching a fan spin, or even a fan at rest if he thinks there's an opportunity for it to start spinning. Air conditioning compressors are of great interest, as dangerous as they can be. We have fenced ours off so our back yard is relatively safe for him.
The home we visited Saturday has an exterior staircase downstairs to their lower level, all done in concrete. Perched on a ledge above the bottom of this staircase is, of course, the air conditioning compressor. Wife & I took one look at the positioning of this beast and envisioned son crawling up on the compressor and then falling down to the lower level. Independently of each other we thought we should just turn around and go home. However, we decided to stick it out a little while, at least into the potluck dinner that was planned for the 25-some-odd people who were there.
True to form, Son wanted to explore parts of their house we have blocked off in our own home: the clothes washer & dryer, the basement storage area, etc. It was near impossible for either wife or I to socialize, let alone eat. Son would scream when he couldn't get his own way. Now, screaming is not abnormal 3 1/2 year-old behavior, we know. However, the things over which he would scream are basically things like, "don't sit in front of the clothes washer" or "no, you can't go into the garage," and "nope, you can't get anywhere near that air conditioning compressor." If he could get involved with the other kids, he probably wouldn't obsess over these inanimate objects. The other kids encouraged Son to play with them (they're great kids), but that's not his thing. His social process is different. He didn't fit in with them. Every time he'd scream, the adults would become silent, wondering what was going on.
In the middle of dinner, we left. It was a little abrupt, I suppose, but we really needed to get out of there. We left before either of us exploded. We left before another scream. We left before either of us had to explain to all of these friends with their beautiful children why ours doesn't fit in with the rest of the world. We left and suddenly felt the walls of our social life closing in like large steel doors. But in some ways we didn't care because our house was safe. At our house, Son could be himself and do as he wants. We don't have to explain anything to anyone. We don't have to worry about him falling down a flight of steps. He says more & more words each day, but only when we're home and he's comfortable in his environment. Why would we take him away from this?
My brain went into overdrive at that point. That night, I seriously considered applying for a full-time job, just to have SOMETHING normal in my life like a full-time salary once again. I even drafted a cover letter and started getting advice from friends on the nature of this particular job. I have since decided against applying for it. I decided to sit this one out a little more, probably because I know this is the last year of my younger life when I will not HAVE TO work for someone else. This is supposed to be the year when I write the dissertation as my top priority. Just one more year of poverty before finishing up this degree and moving onward. I just hope we can handle the lack of structure, and the isolation, for just one more year. I hope son will find some more abilities to develop in order to lead a somewhat normal social life in the near future.
Son is a fantastic kid with a big heart and a very different brain. As I type this, he's humming the Vivaldi "spring" tune (of course repeatedly, but hey: it's VIVALDI!). The day before the party disaster, he started playing "twinkle twinkle little star" (tune written my Mozart, mind you) on this small xylophone we have for him. I wish I could sing to him and have him understand my words. I can't wait for the time when his music can help him excel instead of being the one beacon of light that tells us his brain is actually functioning on a comprehensible level.
4 comments:
(hugs) At the risk of sounding trite, to everything there is a time and a season and a purpose.
I know what you mean about wanting to chuck the diss and have something resembling a life again, something with stability and a schedule. Even this would not solve anything, but structure can be very comforting. Alas, it can also constrict.
Rob:
God Bless you both as parents, I am not only impressed but deeply moved by your posting about your son / the party. I know first hand how difficult parenting children without special needs can be...you have it twice as rough.
Obviously your hearts and minds are in the right place, the safety and security of your son, rather than the selfishness of remaining at a party that would be neither beneficial nor enjoyable for your son. Maybe a party in a secure and familiar atmosphere for your son (eg your home) is the best answer. And heck, you can always ask the adults to leave if they refuse to accept the situation. :)
Sounds like you both need a 'night out' for yourselves, although I can only imagine that finding a sitter for your son is both difficult and time consuming. I suspect (as I am sure that you well know as a reality) that you would need to find a sitter compatible with both your son's needs and feelings of security...probably a difficult task. Remember, you need to nourish your marital relationship both for your sanity and for the good of your family life at home.
As for the rest of the guests, they are adults only in the age sense of the word if they cannot understand your son's special needs. I am sure that a few want to reach out to you both and help you, maybe they just don't know how or how to ask to help. Others it is just probably as good if you don't know them if they can't accept the situation.
My point...hang in there, like lemming says, there are reasons and times and places for everything. And, I am confident, a blessing for you both!
Do you know of any other families in the area that have children with similar special needs? That might be a good way to get some adult social activity with others who are familiar with some of the challenges that you described at social gatherings.
I'm not sure if you're looking for suggestions, but if so, I could ask my mom, who works with families with children with special needs in NC, if she knows of any groups that you look into in B'ton.
Thanks everyone. Your comments all mean a great deal. I want to be very clear that we have some very good in-person friends here in Small College Town who are very supportive of us and Son. Still, the experience can be rather isolating, only because it can be tough to know if others can understand what we're going through. However, I have yet to people who have been anything but supportive and understanding in their own way, so that's been very comforting.
Dallas, thanks for the offer of asking your mom for help. Son is in a developmental preschool here with other kids in a similar boat. I have a feeling this summer, when school is out, that many of the parents are going to continue to bring their children together for playtime and adult-social time as well.
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