Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Christmas Morning Musing

I'm up pretty early on Christmas morning. I'm the first one in the house who is awake, actually. A rare thing for me since coming back to school and pulling some nite-owl sorts of hours. I do miss the early morning thing, though, so perhaps I'll get back in the routine of being the first one awake.

Christmas has some mixed emotions for me this year. On the good side, I still cannot believe we're here in LSC and I'm working in this particular job. It doesn't seem real to me, probably because I have not yet finished the task (i.e. the doctorate) through which I had planned on obtaining said job. That's the bad side: Study #07- 11947 continues to loom overhead. In fact, just thinking about it is what woke me up early today, I will admit. I suppose that's a good thing...nothing wrong with some negative incentives to get the f-cker done.

The other thing that weighs heavy on the mind is, of course, Moose's autism. I go back and forth on this. On the one hand, his autism is part of him, and I love all of him unconditionally; I almost hate to want a core part of his being to disappear. On the other hand, I want for him a normal existence. For example, I wanted him to be up front during our church service last night with the other kids. That was almost painful to watch, knowing he was at home with his aunt.

Generally speaking, I wouldn't change a thing about my present day-to-day existence. I will continue to plug away on the dissertation, and I will hopefully finish in 2008. The autism...well, I'll just learn to deal with that as time flies by. No use in wishing for something that simply isn't going to happen in this lifetime. I've not much to complain about in general, but during these early-morning reflective times I bring out some of the more painful aspects of life to hopefully have them then settle back into the larger scope of life more smoothly. Perhaps these individual aspects of life won't be as painful if I sort of raise them up, look at them upside-down, and then let them rest again. Sorta like taking fish out of water for a few seconds, stressing them out, and then putting them back in the river. They still keep swimming, going with the flow...

Wow...my mind is making some pretty strange images right now. Better get some coffee in me and get ready for Christmas morning. Ah, I hear others stirring upstairs now. Bye bye early morning solitude.


EA said...

"Perhaps these individual aspects of life won't be as painful if I sort of raise them up, look at them upside-down, and then let them rest again."

Yes, perhaps. Good point. I'm going to try it too.

R said...

This is a beautiful post. I am not in your situation but have my own -do I wish I was able to give birth to C? Of course. But she wouldn't be who she is if I had been able to. Moose is a beautiful loving and kind child with many many gifts but of course it is totally normal for you to want things for him that all parents want. But I truly feel with your and great wife's work he will reach new heights throughout his life and continue to make you so happy.

Miss you Rahb!