Saturday, August 19, 2006

Can't Sleep

Whomever heard of a sick person who couldn't sleep? Well, guess I'm not sick anymore.

I keep thinking about the week I've essentially lost with this illness. I mean, it's not the end of the world, I realize, and what's more important is that I'm better without requiring major amounts of time and hospitalization. There's now one more week left of "summer" before the fall classes at LMU officially begin. I was hoping to be finished with the proposal at this point, so I'm a bit bummed/stressed/annoying that I am not.

I am much further along with things, however, than I was at the beginning of the summer. I guess that counts for something. I hope that I can just focus and buckle down with this. ARGH, I feel like I've been saying that for a year, though, so in some ways I admit I'm beginning to lose hope.

I say that as if this is all beyond my control. To lose hope for something over which I have control doesn't seem to make sense to me. I mean, if I want it, I have the time, I have the idea...why the hell not just do it? What else IS there?

I think part of it is that I need to surround myself by people like Pink, that is, people who can be supportive of others during this selfish time of doctoral student-ness. I miss my long-term friends, I guess, and it's unfortunate that very few of them would really understand all this shit if I were to share it with them, which I haven't. There's a part of me that wonders what life would have been like had I found a career path in business and had just settled in one town. Would I be back in Chicago with a group of long-term strong friendships? Should I just screw all this and go back to Chicago?

Big digression, Rob. Live in the present. Focus on getting through the next month and just write a little bit each day.

The department's fall cookout is coming up on Tuesday. It'll be my fifth one. I only expected to be here four years...perhaps that's contributing to keeping me up tonight as well? Ya think?

Hmm...this brain purge must have getting very sleepy...

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